The OG Bad Santa

Christmas always takes me back to memories of my grandparents—and Grandpa was a no-nonsense kind of man who despite his straightforward demeanor, was beloved by everyone who knew him. If something didn’t interest him, he made no effort to fake it. A farmer through and through, his first question to me often wasn’t about how school was going but about our rain gauge: “How much rain did you get last night?”

Grandma, on the other hand, was warm and curious. She loved hearing every detail of my day, especially about the boys in my class, and happily kicked off games of pickup sticks and paper dolls. She even crafted an incredibly detailed dollhouse for us, complete with tiny handmade curtains and miniature furniture. But my favorite memories are of us gathered around the old dial TV, laughing at I Love Lucy and indulging in malted milk balls.

One Christmas stands out as the most ridiculous and unforgettable. That year, my grandparents promised to take us to see Santa at the mall. Thrilled, I threw on my Christmas dress and pulled my sister Meredith along to the kitchen, excited to announce we were ready. My Christmas wish list was burning a hole in my pocket!

Grandma piled the two of us into Grandpa’s truck, ready for the adventure, when less than a mile down the road he suddenly exclaimed, “Well, I’ll be darned. We don’t have to go all the way to town—Santa came to us!” Confused, I looked out the window to see a scrawny figure in a red suit lounging in a lawn chair. “That’s not Santa!” I blurted.

But Grandpa was already pulling Meredith from the truck and plopping her onto the imposter’s lap. Reluctantly, I followed, muttering how Grandma had promised the real Santa would be at the mall. Grandpa was unfazed. He whipped out a camera and proudly declared he could take our picture with Santa right then and there.

As Meredith awkwardly posed, I couldn’t resist the temptation. I reached out and yanked the elastic beard right off the "Santa’s" face. “I’m telling Grandma!” I warned, but Grandpa just laughed, his eyes twinkling with pride for his conquest.

It wasn’t until weeks later, when I saw my mom’s reaction to the photo, that I fully appreciated the hilarity of that day.

Merry Christmas and to all, and to all a good night.

Another wedding

My sister Melissa was married on Sat and I just don't know that the Kings are cut out for weddings! The wedding was beautiful, but for our group—it's inevitable that the day after is the pits. 

The celebration was held in Carbondale IL, and on Sunday morning I am riding back up north with my brother Alex. We both had a lot of fun the night before and I found myself wondering if I could survive the 5-hour road trip. We need gas before we get on the highway, Note: my last blog post is when the Kings began trend-setting gas station stories!! I had the passenger seat reclined back and had my eyes closed while Alex fueled up. When my brother stepped back into the car and announced "Oh sh*t". I open one eye and say, "Don't even tell me you lost the keys!" He laughs and sticks the key into the ignition and says, "No, Meg...but I wonder what would happen if I filled up my gas tank with Diesel fuel". "Hmmmm, it's probably not great, but...we better call Dad to be sure."  "You gotta be $%#**ing kidding me, he screams into the phone. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU KIDS!!??!!" Then Dad asks if we've turned the ignition on...which we hadn't, and I feel very triumphant relaying that information! He's with my mom at the reception site picking up tablecloths. He says that my Uncle Jeff (a different Uncle Jeff from the previous wedding blog) is probably not too far behind us and to call him until he can meet us.

Uncle Jeff just laughs when we tell him that we filled up the gas tank with diesel fuel, "I'm surprised the Diesel nozzle would even FIT into Alex's tank". Which, Alex admitted in a defeated yet sarcastic tone, "It was difficult, but I guess I'm NOT a quitter!" Uncle Jeff, only a few miles behind us, assures us that he's pulling over but has no idea who we can find to drop the gas tank. I call my sister Meredith next. I am not sure why I am even laughing as Mere and her boyfriend pulled into the gas station. Perhaps it's the fierce hangover kicking in, or the nerves of my uneasy stomach, but I really can't believe we are stranded at another gas station! I speak to the attendant and she tells us "$h*t happens, good luck git-ina mechanic on-er Sunday!" We know we need the gas out of the tank, so I suggest siphoning it out with a long plastic tube and a bucket! I saw Dad empty our large fish tank this way when I was a kid! Meredith's boyfriend says he will drive Mere's car to Walmart if Alex wants to pick up the stuff.

Mere and I wait for Uncle Jeff while the boys take off, and when he arrives he is with my Aunt Linnie and cousin Danielle. This is beginning to look like a circus and we are managing to attract attention! People want to help us, but the only dude who sticks around keeps mumbling something about free gas. He is circling the car (I wish I had saved the snap chats I kept taking of him). Uncle Jeff thinks that siphoning could work!! He doesn't have any other ideas, as businesses are not open on Sunday. My cell rings...and it’s Alex. They got a hose and a bucket...but Meredith's car won't start now and he assumes the ignition key is still in Meredith's purse! Gah, so Uncle Jeff is on his way to Walmart to bring them the car keys when Mom and Dad pull into the gas station. We crack the window to hear Dad talking to the creepy mumbling guy, and both parents are delighted to find that Uncle Jeff is now rescuing Alex from Walmart.

The mood peaked when we stuck the hose into the gas tank and realized that a 2015 car had a filter over the tank to prevent people from SYPHONING GAS! This is when I opened a beer, my aunt promptly handed me one of Melissa's wedding koozies.

So, Uncle Jeff and Dad push the car off the cement so the car is leaning to one side, and they spread out one of Melissa's wedding tablecloths to lay on. Uncle Jeff is the keeper of all the tools and fortunately, he could get under the car to eventually un-attach the tank. Now we can bypass the filter and get the hose into the tank to siphon. It takes for-flipping-ever to get 10 gallons of gas through a tube the width of my finger!

6 hours later, the mumbling guy was still circling—but that turned out to be great because how else do you dispose of 10 gallons of diesel fuel that has been mixed with regular? The sun was setting as we finally arrived home, but we were looking forward to spending a week together in Mexico for the after-party!

Traveling with the King's

My cousin, Patrick got married in Pittsburgh on Saturday but it was just one of those weekends that started on the wrong foot. Some clown set the air traffic control tower on fire Thursday to avoid his job relocation from the Chicago Suburbs to Hawaii. All flights from Midway, O’Hare, and Rockford were canceled for the entire weekend, so our only option was to drive. All the rental cars in Chicago had been booked due to the closed airports so we picked up one of the stranded bridesmaids and our car was very packed! Traffic is bumper to bumper on I80E so it takes us 13 hours to get there. Fortunately, my parents were already planning to fly to Myrtle Beach with their friends on Sunday so my sister, brother, and I could drive their car back to Illinois at our leisure. 

My favorite memories are made with my three siblings and we were especially excited because we don't see this side of the family often. The wedding was pretty, and as we boarded the shuttle to the reception site my brother handed out beer! 

Well I'm sure that's not what #karapatrick2014 intended the gift bag to be used for ! #smuggling #beer #schoolbus #receptiontime !!!

"Well I'm sure that's not what #karapatrick2014 intended the gift bag to be used for ! #smuggling #beer #schoolbus #receptiontime !!!"

As soon as we enter the reception, my sister Meredith orders the four of us shots of vodka. She explains that there aren’t options, vodka is what they are using in their signature cocktail and it's room temperature because they aren't supposed to be serving shots. I rolled my eyes because Meredith could charm the devil himself. We choke the vodka back, dance, drink more, rinse, and repeat. Getting up on Sunday was not fun and the 9-hour drive home taunted us! My sister Melissa left at 7 am to catch her flight home to Jacksonville, and my parents went with her to catch their flight to Myrtle Beach.

Finding your way through Pittsburgh with a hangover is the definition of hell. The one-way roads are windy and the hills cause the GPS to cut in and out. The Steelers traffic isn't helping and the GPS is on a continuous reroute "Make a U-turn, take the next right—make a U-turn—left on Pen—re-routing". Meredith insisted that I change her British accent immediately!

We finally make it into Ohio and decide to stop to fuel up at the cleaner-than-Indiana’s rest stop. Alex and I sit down with our Panera pagers while Meredith goes to the restroom. It is when I set our food on the table that I see her running across the reststop towards us. I assume she got sick from all of the vodka shots and began giggling. Her face is flushed and she announces that we have a huge problem. “I hadn’t realized my shirt was inside out when I got dressed in the dark, and I was holding the car key in this hand—but when I took my shirt off it flew into the toilet. There was a motion sensor, so it automatically flushed."

I'll leave out the 30 minutes of panic and skip to our research. We asked security to snake the toilet—no keys, but they did assure us that this happens all the time...?! The Acura dealership is closed on Sundays and with the VIN they can't get a new key made until Wednesday. The locksmith can’t unlock our 2015 vehicle because...something about a transporter and the ignition shutting down to protect it from auto theft.

We all had to work the following day and we were 8 hours from home. A rental car wasn't an option because our IDs were in the locked Acura. Between the three of us, we have twenty-some dollars in cash and three nearly-dead cell phones. My brother says, "If anyone can figure this all out it’s Dad", but Dad hangs up on us. After the horrible drive out to Pittsburgh on Friday, he thinks we are joking! 

We eventually get Dad on the phone while he is laid over in North Carolina. Maybe Uncle Craig can go to my parent's house, get the spare key, and drive 8 hours to Ohio? After some arguing, we learn that my Mom has the spare key in her purse. Mom gets on her flight and Dad plans to FedEx the key to a nearby hotel. However, the North Carolina airport does not have a FedEx drop box. 

It is too late in the day to send a same-day delivery. My dad is furious that he is now required to purchase a $900 seat on the next flight to Pittsburgh just to bring us a key! It leaves in two hours... and he wonders why he has to be ON the flight. Now he starts walking down the security line asking "Anybody going to Pittsburgh, anyone to Pittsburgh?" nobody...for an hour. Just as the rage begins to overwhelm him, a little woman says "Yes, I am going to Pittsburgh". 

The woman's name is Jean, and Dad explains that he needs her to meet my Aunt Pat at the Pittsburgh Airport when she arrives. As he hands his only remaining car key to her, he has to talk himself out of an arrest. The security guard insists that he cannot hand anything off to a passenger that he does not know. Dad argued that if their scanner works properly, they will be able to tell if the key is hazardous. He insists that they can arrest him if she does not pass security. Upon getting through the security gates, Dad asked Jean for her cell number. Jean flipped open her phone and decided that she didn't know her number, so he settled with: "Look for a sign that reads: Alex King" 

My Aunt Pat was at the reception site cleaning up her son's wedding when my Dad called to tell her of his game plan. He asks her to drive an hour north to the Pittsburgh airport to meet Jean with the key, and then drive two hours west to meet us in Ohio. After a mere 8 hours of laying in the grass at Ohio Rest-opia, my Aunt Pat and Uncle Jeff arrive. They even packed a care package of sandwiches, water, and cookies. 18 hours after our hotel departure we arrived at my parent's house, 2 additional hours back to Chicago—but we all made it back to work on Monday morning! Team Dad!